Uncle Sam - I Dont Ever Want to See You Again

Update September 2019: Wow. It's been 2 years since I published this post and the comments are still pouring in.

Reading these comments will teach you more almost homo nature than the article will because of the forcefulness of human biases (specially cognitive dissonance reduction and confirmation bias) that is being portrayed.

Delight read the article before leaving a comment. Thank you

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Exercise you lot think having children makes you lot happier?

If so, recall again.

Enquiry shows (over and again) that having children reduces happiness (e.chiliad. Anderson, Russel, & Schumm, 1983 or Campbell, 1981), even though parents think it will make them happier.

This phenomenon is known as "The Parenthood Paradox" or "Parenthood Gap".

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Why don't children brand parents happier?

One of the dominant explanations for this is that children increment the amount and level of a diversity of stressors that parents are exposed to (Drinking glass, J., Simon R.Westward., Andersson K.A., 2016,), such as:

• time demands
• energy demands
• sleep deprivation (potentially starting a barbarous circle)
• piece of work-life balance disturbances
• fiscal burden

It goes without saying that all of these stressors apply even more to the lives of single parents. This is why unmarried parents report the everyman levels of well-being compared to married or unmarried couples who are living together.

To make matters worse, people more often than not become less satisfied with their marriage when they have children (making the attempt to fix a marriage by having children even more ironic).

Research shows the disadvantages of parenthood to exist the strongest in the United States. Nosotros'll talk more virtually this in a bit.

When parents are at their happiest

In his seminal work "Meanings of Life", Roy Baumeister tells u.s. that in that location are two happiness peaks in the lives of adults in America, namely:

• between the hymeneals and the birth of the first child
• between the departure of the last kid from home and the death of one'due south spouse

So if you're looking at children from the perspective of personal happiness, the phases of the married life without children are the happiest periods. Yet another statement against having children for the sake of personal happiness (what'due south the score, 3 to 0 for not having children now?).

The good news

I can hear yous thinking… but there'south got to exist an explanation for why we're making children, right? Otherwise, nosotros would never accept gotten this far as a species!?

Right.

And there is.

Considering as emotionally taxing as having children may be, information technology has as well proven to be a nifty source – if non the most powerful source – of life satisfaction, self-esteem and pregnant, specially for women (Hansen, T., Slagsvold, B., Moum, T., 2009), fifty-fifty though men are a lot more likely to view childlessness as disadvantageous (Blake, J., 1979,).

This is true even, or even more so, during tough times and is illustrative of the fact that cerebral evaluation (what you lot call back) and emotions (what y'all feel) are not on the aforementioned continuum.

I.east. nosotros can value something and find it meaningful even if information technology detracts from our happiness in the moment.

In the words of Baumeister:

"Sometimes the quest for pregnant can override the quest for happiness."

But wait a minute.

That sounds familiar…

Would you plug in?

Do you remember Robert Nozick'south thought experiment of the Experience Car?

He asked people to imagine a machine that would provide them with only pleasant experiences as before long as their encephalon was hooked onto it. Let's say it's a machine triggering dopaminergic and endorphinergic activity in the brain without building habituation or tolerance and without side-effects.

Would you choose to be hooked onto that machine?

Almost people said "no" even though, rationally speaking, it would make sense to practise then. That is, if your goal is to maximise happiness for yourself, which is the case for hedonists and sure types of utilitarians.

Like 1 of my favorite writers Tim Urban (north.d.) remarks:

"In the cease, I call back I probably would skip the machine. And that's probably a dumb pick."

This brings the states back to the Parenthood Paradox.

A possible explanation for why the negative impact of having children on personal happiness is the highest in the The states might be its extreme focus on personal happiness (and hedonistic values).

There I said it.

The Parenthood Gap exists because of unrealistic expectations and desires regarding personal happiness.

And inquiry is indeed pointing in the direction that the more than individualistic a club is, the greater the Parenthood Paradox is (the level of financial support from the government existence another of import factor).

All this leads us to the existent paradox…

The existent paradox is not the Parenthood Paradox, but why people seemingly strive for personal happiness even though they would choose meaning and/or life satisfaction (subjective evaluation of one's life equally a whole) over personal happiness when push comes to shove.

Information technology goes to show that, once over again, nosotros non just suck at predicting what will brand u.s. happy (as explained in Dan Gilbert's "Stumbling on Happiness"), but likewise at valuing our personal happiness compared to other things, such every bit meaning in life.

And besides… happiness is so delicate.

Happiness fades with the first punch that life throws at you.

The solution

The solution is to avert falling prey to the illusion that happiness results from meeting your ideal version of life.

Rather than property on to an image of what a happy life should await like and comparing it to your electric current life, yous can allow life to unfold with unexpected moments of happiness.

Having children will not make you happier, nor does not having children.

It is not what life offers, but what we believe that life should offer that prevents us from experiencing happiness.

So let go of your expectations and lower the importance of your personal happiness. Thereby yous volition lower the stress y'all feel from not being as happy every bit y'all think yous should exist.

In his book "If You Are So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy", my friend Raj Raghunathan remarks:

"Because when i pursues happiness, ane is likely to compare how one feels with how i would ideally like to feel, and since we generally desire to feel happier than we currently do, we are likely to feel unhappy most beingness unhappy if we pursue happiness!"

This, Raj. This.

And not merely do we feel unhappy nearly being unhappy, we can beginning to feel even more unhappy because nosotros don't know why nosotros aren't happy, especially if we have all the reasons to be happy.

Only that's a song for another time.

Delight enjoy your parental unhappiness, for yous have all the reasons to.

All-time,

Seph

We hope you enjoyed reading this commodity. Don't forget to download our three Positive Psychology Exercises for complimentary.

• Anderson, Due south. A., Russel, C. Due south., & Schumm, W. R. (1983). Perceived marital quality and family life-bike categories: A farther analysis.Journal of Marriage and the Family, 45, 127-139.
• Baumeister, R. (1991).Meanings of life. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
• Blake, J. (1979). Is zero preferred? American attitudes toward childlessness in the 1970s.Journal of Marriage and Family,41(2), 245-257.
• Gilbert, D. (2006).Stumbling on happiness. New York, NY: Vintage.
• Glass, J., Simon, R. Westward., & Andersson, K. A. (2016). Parenthood and happiness: Furnishings of work-family reconciliation policies in 22 OECD countries. American Journal of Sociology, 122(3), 886-929.
• Hansen, T., Slagsvold, B., & Moum, T. (2009). Childlessness and psychological well-being in midlife and onetime historic period: An test of parental status effects beyond a range of outcomes. Social Indicators Research, 94(2), 343-362.
• Nozick, R. (1974). Anarchy, state, and utopia. New York, NY: Bones Books.
• Raghunathan, R. (2016). If you're so smart why aren't you happy: How to plough career success into life success. London, United kingdom of great britain and northern ireland: Vermilion.
• Urban, T. (n.d.). The experience machine thought experiment. Retrieved from https://waitbutwhy.com/table/the-experience-machine

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Source: https://positivepsychology.com/parenthood-paradox/

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